Девушка спорит с парнем.
— Ну, скажи, почему, если девушка часто меняет партнеров, ее называют унизительно — шлюхой, а если это делает парень, то его называют уважительно — мачо? Это же нелогично!
— Наоборот — логично. Ведь если один ключ открывает много замков, то это хороший ключ, а если к одному замку подходят много ключей, то это плохой замок.
Никто не знает такой позы?
Это же очень просто!
ПОЗА 68 — это, когда: ты — мне.
А я тебе — буду должен.
The worst sex I ever had was with fat bird.
I got on top and burnt my arse on the lightbulb.
One cold night, a married couple is lying in bed. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep after a long day tiring at work. The husband turns his bed lamp on to read his favorite book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area.
He does this for a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is shocked and asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?”
His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.”
The husband says, “No, not at all.”
His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?”
“I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
A 60 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains, “Well, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, nothing. Then her left, but still nothing. She even tried hard with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door to help. She tried with both hands and her mouth too, but still nothing!”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?” the old man replied, “yes, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the damn jar open!”
A young man goes into a pharmacy to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which one the young man wants.
The young man thinks for a while and replied “Well, I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight is “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”
The young man makes his purchase and leaves happily.
Later that evening, he sits down and have dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”
The boy leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”
Кусок чего – то липкого ударился в доску рядом с моей головой. На задних партах заулюлюкали.
— Ты кто такой? – поинтересовался смуглый парнишка c первого ряда.
— Лектор — улыбнулся я.
— Лектор! восторженно завопила аудитория — У нас новый лектор! Значит, старая сучка всё-таки сбежала! Хааа! Да вы только посмотрите на этого белого индюка!
— А почему месье пришел именно к нам? — вкрадчиво спросили откуда-то сбоку. Месье хочет учить бедных мальчиков?
— Месье попросили старые друзья.
— Гыыы! У месье есть друзья! У свиней бывают друзья! – ученики веселились во всю.
— Наверное у месье есть какое то имя? Мы же не хотим называть нашего нового друга просто лектором? Давай, не бойся, скажи нам, как тебя зовут!
— Я уже говорил вам, как меня зовут. Вы просто не правильно меня поняли дети – ответил я, аккуратно закрывая на ключ дверь аудитории. Лектор – это не моя должность. Это моя фамилия. А зовут меня Ганнибал.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver’s door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing.
But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said.
“You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer
The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!”
“OH, MY GOD!” screamed the lawyer.
. . . . . . .
Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
Court meeting. A dialog between a doctor and an attorney:
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.